What happened
by The All Knowing God of Hats
Summary: It's kind of a silly telling of what happened to Jesus.If you are really holy and stuff please don't be offended by this,it's just a stupid story, flame if you want to, but tell me why you flamed it. Anonymous people can now review.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own anything for one, and secondly I do NOT wish to offend anyone by my writing and I hope everyone can understand this is for humor and enjoyment nor am I trying to imply that these ideas are correct. I am just a kid who's got nothing better to do. Thirdly, I'm sorry this disclaimer is so long.

Please read and review.

**What really happened to Jesus.**

Jesus had just finished yelling at John "the Baptist", as he called himself, had just shot him in the face with a water pistol. '_I hate John'_ he thought to himself _'Thinks he's so cool shooting me with a water gun, Lord,that might mean me though, uh, God, no too formal. Dad, yeah, Dad please kill him!'_ Jesus walked a bit more. He thought of John and how he couldn't believe they were cousins.

Jesus returned to his clubhouse where some of his followers were trying to play Light as a Feather Stiff as a Board. He was almost to the clubhouse when some kid walked up to him, it was Fred the most obnoxious kid on this side of hell, "Hey Jesus!" He said, "If you're so godly why do you and your followers hide in a clubhouse?"

Jesus had heard this question a hundred times before, "Because, Fred, there aren't any trees here or else we'd have a treehouse, you imbecile!"

"pshh, whatever." Fred said as he ran off.

'_He's just jealous because I have better hair than him'_ Jesus thought as he continued to his clubhouse.

A few minutes later Jesus came to the clubhouse. "Hey Jesus! Guess what!" Yelled one of his followers from his perch on top of the clubhouse.

"What do you want Rick?" Jesus asked in a slightly annoyed tone.

"You're stuck with it!"

Jesus could only stare, "Stuck with what?"

"I don't know." Rick said, "You're wicked smart, no wonder you're gunna save us!" Rick ran off to only god knows where.

_Dad, where is he going?_ Jesus thought, he looked up to the heavens then went into his bright red clubhouse.

It wasn't a very big place, but you could comfetably fit about 12 people in the Clubhouse. Most of The Followers were men, of the 12 Followers there was 1 women, Magdelin, she was Rick's girlfriend. When Jesus had gotten to the Clubhouse there was only four people there, Magdelin (sometimes called Maggie), Tom, Viktor, and Damien. Tom was a short young man with a speech impediment and an obsession with maps. Viktor was tall and loud and enjoyed playing children's games despite being almost 45 years old. And Damien was about 20 years old and was obsessed with Jesus. Together, and with Rick too, they made up the Clubhouse regulars who had nothing better to do than hang about the Clubhouse and worship and play games.

"Hey Jesus?" Tom asked from a chair in the corner.

"How may I save you?" Jesus said jokingly, after he got over the immense terror of finding out he had to save everyone he took his job very lightly.

"Yeah, Fred said that you was a bastard 'cause your ma didn't marry god, I said he's no bastard you are, but I wasn't sure. Why'd god leave ya' on this planet with Joseph anyways?" Tom said as he got up and stretched.

"You're right." Jesus said, "My Dad, my _real_ Dad not Joseph, did leave me on this Earth and left me with Joseph and Mom. And you know what else?"

"What?" Damien said from a chair they had suspended from the ceiling of the clubhouse.

"Mom hasn't seen one child-support check! Not one!" Jesus yelled.

"You should talk to him." Viktor suggested from another corner.

"I tried, he's not answering." said Jesus, he looked up at Damien, "Shut up." he said anticipating one of Damien's smart remarks.

"Jesus, don't be so bossy," Damien jumped down from the chair, "Just take it easy Savior."

"What did I say about using stupid nicknames?" Jesus asked leaning against a wall.

"Not to?" Damien answered unsurely.

"And is 'Savior' a stupid nickname?"

"Possibly, I'm not sure; I thought it was both cute and appropriate."

"I agree that it's both cute and appropriate." Rick said as he entered through a window.

Jesus was now ticked off, "Who asked you?"

There was a sudden very loud knock at the door. "Who is it?" Damien asked

"We're here for Jesus." Said a deep voice.

"I didn't asked what you wanted, only who you were." Damien said.

"It's the Romans." they said, "Jesus has to be crucified."

"Oh my gosh!" Damien yelled.

_Good, maybe I'll see Dad when I die._ "I'm ready to collect my child-support, I mean die."

"Jesus," Damien said, "I love you."

"See, I told you he was a fag!" Viktor yelled, "Twenty dollars Rick, give it!"

"Lucky guess!" Tom yelled.

"Oh, before I go." Jesus said, "Rick, your girl's got my baby."

"What!" Rick yelled, "You know what Jesus Christ, I hope you burn in hell!" Rick left in a hurry and went home.

"Thank you Jesus." Maggie said, "For getting rid of him, he's so clingy I do need my space."

"Good-bye." Jesus said as the Romans led him towards the crucifixion.

Jesus was glad to be out of the Clubhouse, which now seemed to be a house for wierd situations. He willingly was hung on the cross; soon all of his followers came and saw him.

"What are you doing?" Tom asked.

Jesus was angered by this question, "I'm having tea, what does it look like? I'm dying!"

"I was just trying to make conversation." Tom said.

Rick spoke next, "When do they drive the nails through your wrists?"

"Friday, Richard." He said in a nasty tone, "Shut up Damien!" he said before Damien could comment.

"We're going for coffee; you want us to get anything?" Viktor asked thoughtfully.

"NO!" Jesus yelled, "Now get out of here I have some thinking to do. Shut up Damien." The Followers left and the Romans came. They placed the thorny crown on his head.

The next day was uneventful, Damien had tried to make conversation, but Jesus was homophobic and sent Damien away. The next day the nails were sent through Jesus' wrists and feet. He soon died.

Jesus, that is his soul was now stuck in the crossroads between Heaven and Hell. '_Well, this stinks' _Jesus thought as he started to "swim" towards Heaven.

There was a loud booming voice, "Jesus, Jesus, go to Hell."

Jesus stopped in a state of disbelief, "What? I did not come all this way just to get sent to Hell, no I need to see God, my Father, right now!"

The voice boomed again, "Jesus this is God, go to Hell and free your people."

"No, I have to talk to you and I won't take 'No' for an answer, and you have no power to send me there because I'm part "God" too."

"Fine, you stubborn fool, get here quickly and we'll have tea and discuss then I'll send you back to Earth and you'll be wicked cool."

"And?" Jesus asked getting very close to Heaven now.

"And I'll pay my child-support."

"Thank you, that's practically the whole reason I came." Jesus said as he reached the portal to through Heaven.

God was there to greet him when Jesus came. God looked to be in his mid-twenties and had dyed his hair blue, he had a crooked nose and wore combat boots and Wrangler jeans with a black leather Jacket.

"How are you?" God asked

"Dad, look at your hair, it's awsome!" Jesus said starting to get excited about staying in Heaven.

"Yeah, I know right." God said, "Oh, right, this is Gabriel, my personal assistant." He gestured to the young man next to him.

"Anyways," Jesus began, "Why did you leave me with Joseph?"

"I dunno. I was, like, going through a phase and, like, this kid, he was, like, a baby and I was, like, wasted, and I just, like, dude, Mary, have my baby. So I gave her you. How was I supposed to know this would happen?" explained God.

Jesus stared for almost two minutes, "You're weird.," he finally said.

"That's not the first time I've heard that." God said as he began to walk away, Jesus and Gabriel followed close.

They came to a large building, God entered, the two others not far behind. "So, Jesus, you want your child-support, eh?"

"Yes."

"Well, being, ya' know, God and all, I knew and I have the gold being imported to your house on Earth now."

"Cool, so can I stay here a while?"

"Yeah, whatever. Just tell me when you go back, OK, that way you can actually benefit from child-support and live again and just 'cause I like you and think you're a pretty cool cat, I'll forgive everyone's sins. You got all that, Gabe?"

Gabriel looked down at his clipboards, there was a picture of a moose driving a truck while an anvil was about to hit it, "Yeah, yeah I think so." he answered.

"Sweet." God said sitting behind a desk and spinning in the chair, "So Jay, can I call ya' Jay?"

"I guess so." Jesus answered unsurely.

"Gabe," God yelled, "Make a note reminding me not to call Jesus 'Jay'." Gabriel scribbled a picture of a piggy onto the paper. God leaned over hi desk and gestured for Jesus to do the same, "Did you know," he started, "That Gabe never really does anything useful he just draws cartoons all day?"

"Then why do you keep him?"

"I dunno, he's a pretty nice guy once you get to know him, but he's just not all there in the head."

Jesus stared at God for a moment. "What's with all the staring! Jesus, uh, Heavens, didn't Joseph teach ya' manners, you're so fucking rude! I should just hit you, but I won't 'cause I've got enough shit to deal with without you suing me."

"Well, I'd just kill myself if I had lived with you!" Jesus yelled.

"You couldn't have 'cause you were already dead, you stupid, rude, bastard!"

"I wouldn't be a bastard if you weren't so stupid!"

"Jesus, I'm documenting this argument," Gabriel said, "Could you repeat that?"

"You don't document anything, fag." Jesus yelled.

"Firstly, how did you know? And secondly, where did that temper come from, I know it's not God's? Thirdly and fourthly I do so document stuff around here!" Gabriel said, looking up from the picture of a toad he had drawn.

Jesus left the building in a huff.

"He's weird," God said as it got really quiet, "One minute he's eager to stay the next minute he's insulting assistants. No wonder they crucified him."

"He's got nice hair though." said Gabriel as he walked over to God's desk.

"Yes, that's true." God admitted, he got up from his chair and left the building with Gabriel following closely.

Jesus ran away for aloms ttwo days, what happened was; he left in a huff; then he went to one of Heaven's many fine beaches, where there was a concert going on; he met up with some people who took him surfing; there was a party that night and Jesus passed out for 24 hours; then Jesus accidentally went to an administrative building, where he found God(literally)and they had a brief discussion about what Jesus would do back on Earth and how he should act respectfully and not stare at people. Then Jesus was reincarnated, but after being on Earth for ten seconds a fiery arrow shot him in the face and Jesus died again. Therefore, God reincarnated Jesus again and this time he didn't die so quickly.

He went to the Clubhouse where all of his followers were just sitting around playing music and cheered for Jesus when he walked in. Jesus noticed that Rick wasn't there, but didn't like Rick anymore so he didn't care. Then he continued living in relative comfort for many years, but went to Hell for killing Damien (this happened about three years after the reincarnation.)

Hell, surprisingly is more pleasant than Heaven, it's warm and tropical, but the broiler room for the whole entire Earth which one must work neart wice a month isn't great. Jesus enjoyed many wild parties down there and, being the son of God, he got to visit Heaven whenever he wanted. He eventually lured God to Hell, where God stayed forever. Gabriel soon met Damien and they lived together for years until Gabe caught Damien cheating on him and they got into a big fight and never spoke again. No one know what happened to the other followers, but some say they went surfing on Heaven's beaches for all eternity. Jesus took over Heaven and made sure he kept gays out (because he was homophobic remember) and he eventually published an book called "My Life as a Sort of God-Like Figure." which was never too popular, but he did get a book called "The Bible" published which didn't fly off the shelves, but eventually became the second best seller in the whole world, right after "Harry Potter" of course.

And that is roughly what happened.

The End. _(I hope it's the end anyways,_ _I hope I didn't miss something because that would really be embarrassing. I so missed something, but I don't know what!)_


	2. By request from a friend here's more

By request of my good friend, I am writing this chapter, which is based on the last two paragraphs of the previous chapter.

Please note, again, that this is meant only for humor and enjoyment and is not to be taken seriously in any way, shape, or form. Also note that I am NOT implying this story is true. And to all those who don't really think I must put this here, you are terribly mistaken as if I don't put a disclaimer on every page I could get sued and/or shot by the Christian/Catholic community which resides everywhere.

Thank you and have a nice day.

* * *

Jesus entered the Clubhouse. He was acting all "cool" and what not, all of his followers were just kind of playing music and singing and praying for peace, like the freak hippies they were (A/N they were "freak hippies" because worshipped God and Jesus, instead of nature, I mean who needs nature anyways when you've got God? Not at all like the hippies today.)

It took everyone a moment to realize Jesus walked in. In fact, they wouldn't have noticed him at all if he hadn't suddenly yelled out, "I have returned from where I went. I went to Heaven, and met God, and got my child support, I have also risen from the dead, got shot in the face went back to Heaven and risen from the dead a second time!"

Everyone cheered for Jesus' return to Earth.

"Don't cheer for me…cheer for….okay cheer for me" Jesus said when it started to get quiet. More cheers arose from the Clubhouse.

There was a loud knock at the door. "Oh shit!" yelled Viktor, "Not again!"

"I'll get it," said Jesus, who was closest to the door anyways, "Who it is? I mean who is it? If it's the Romans please go away, I just got back and don't feel like dealing with your little shenanigans." Someone gave a faint laugh at the word 'shenanigans' as , and I completely agree, it is kind of a funny word.

"This ain't the Romans," Said a deep voice from the outside of the door, "It's the police." Jesus opened the door.

"Good evening officer," he said seriously, suddenly the theme song to Cops came on, "Turn that fuckin' tape player off, Damien, or I'll beat you to a fuckin' pulp!"

"Yeah," started the officer, "I got a report of some rowdy teens throwing a wild and _loud_ party. I think there may also be some drugs involved. Mind if I check it out?"

"Oh, not at all officer." Jesus said nervously as he let the cop in.

The cop looked around suspiciously as he tried to figure out which one of the ten or eleven people were most likely to carry drugs on them. There were no black people or Latinos, so that broadened the horizon a lot, almost too much. As taught in the Police Academy "It's either the black or the Mexicans, if you can't find one of them, go after the one that looks like a beatnik." This had saved the Cop a lot of time in the past.

"You," he said turning to the guy who answered the door (Jesus) "You're coming with me." He pushed Jesus against the wall and cuffed him.

"Why officer?" Jesus asked, as the officer began to search him.

"You have the right to remain silent." The cop said sternly.

"You look good in that uniform officer!" Damien yelled from the chair they had long ago suspended from the ceiling. The cop ignored him; this happened several times a day to him now. (A/N But if I must say, he did look rather good in his uniform)

"Shut up, Damien!" Jesus yelled.

"You gunna search me next?" Damien continued as he ignored Jesus' want for quiet.

"Ya know," began the cop, "Shut up…uhh…what did you say his name was?"

"Damien." Jesus answered quickly.

"Shut up Damien! Have some respect!" said the cop forcefully.

"I like a man that knows how to take control." Damien continued.

"You're comin' with me." Said the officer. Damien willingly climbed down from the chair.

"Cuff me, hot stuff." Damien said. The cop saw the young man had been drinking as it was easily smelt on his breath and was obvious by his behavior. Damien too, was taken into custody. They left and the Clubhouse was quiet, no one had quite comprehended what happened, then they all just starting singing and playing music again.

When they arrived at the police station, Jesus tried to convince them he had no drugs, they still held him there for the night. Damien had been accused of disrespecting the police force and stayed one night as well.

Jesus was very, very relieved to get out the next morning and fled from Damien as fast as he could. On his way home to his Mom and Joseph, he met up with Rick and they fist fought, but Jesus lost due to the fact he was never much good at fighting. When he got home all of the owed child support was there and everyone was very happy. They all moved to a nicer house, they would have move to the coast, but Jesus' brother, Maurice, who was in high school, didn't want to move to a new high school.

Nothing of much interest happened to Jesus for a year, he and his father (God) and Joseph had long discussions often about everything like manners, and communication, and how your belt should always match your socks.

(To be coninued, very, very soon)


	3. Jesus, the great father? I think not!

DICLAIMER: To the best of my knowledge I don't own God or Jesus or the Bible or Hell or Heaven or Satan or any thing like that, if I did I wouldn't be writing this, however there is always the off chance I shall inherit the Bible, but that's highly unlikely. If you are reading this chapter you have probably read the previous chapters and I don't need to tell you not to be offended by my silly little hobby.

* * *

Jesus and his family had lived at their house for about a year and a half now. Apart from God occasionally crashing on their couch, nothing interesting had happened yet.

Today was interesting though because he and Maggie were getting married! They already had one child and they lived with Jesus and family. The amount of Jesus' followers had grown dramatically, now up to 1012 and all of the original followers remained. (Even Rick)

The wedding didn't make Jesus nervous as they were kind of pretending to be married for the past year. The wedding was small and everyone was there. God paid for it and set it all up so there was a whole bunch of people there and the party was crazy. God was there and between him, Mary, and Joseph, by the end of the night Jesus had no secrets or private life or anything.

Then Jesus woke up in a strange room full of brooms and mops and cleaning products. He got up off the floor and walked out. It was bright out and there were some men playing cards.

"There's last night's groom!" one of them jeered

"Ya' passed out drunk, you did!" Said another

"We put you in there 'cause you didn't wake up, it was off to the graveyard in the next couple of hours." Said the last man. They proceeded to laugh at Jesus for hours on end.

"Whatever." Jesus said as he left the building to get home (he didn't wait hours, just like twelve seconds.)

When he got there not much was happening. It was about 10 am and everyone was still sleeping. Jesus started a puzzle and soon everyone started to wake up.

Everyone pretty much ignored everyone else and soon everyone had left to go somewhere. That left Jesus home with the baby, her name was Holly. I don't know if you've ever seen a man try to handle a baby for the first time, but they generally have no idea what to do. When Holly started crying Jesus called upon his true father to help.

_Dad,_ He prayed in his head _You said to contact you if I had and problems, well, I have a problem. You see the baby, She is broken or something. How does Maggie make the child stop crying? _

God materialized in front of Jesus, _"Dude, I have no experience with kids, that's probably half the reason you're here." _

"So you won't help me?"

"_I totally would, but one, I don't know how and two, there's a crazy party up there. Would you like to come? There's some really hot chicks." _

"Dad, I'm married now. I can't just go gallivanting off to one of your silly parties anymore, besides, the child is broken."

"_Right I forgot you were already taken forever." _

"Dad, please just make the child stop."

_"What can I do?" _

"I don't know, you're the Grandpa!"

_"I was your father too, but I didn't take care of you much." _

"Don't even try to get me mad just so you have an excuse to leave. You will go and take care of your granddaughter." Jesus said firmly.

_"But I don't wanna." _God whined.

"Now Dad!"

"_Can I go back to the party?" _

"Yes, now go take care of her."

God reluctantly went to the child and picked her up. This really only seemed to make it worse. _"Jesus, I don't like this!" _God said as he handed Holly to Jesus, _"Can't you figure it out?" _

"You're much older than me, you should know!"

_"Only chronologically, but maturity wise I'm just a little bit older than you." _

Then the baby stopped crying. "It's a miracle." Jesus proclaimed, taking a deep breath.

"_Enjoy your little miracle, Jay, I'm off to the party. You sure you don't want to come?" _

"Yes Dad, now leave." Jesus said, "Get out of my house."

_"Bossy, bossy." _God said as he dematerialized back to Heaven.

Jesus coninued to work on his puzzleall day. He never heard thebaby cry once after that, but that was only because God made it so Jesus couldn't here it. When everyone got home they were so angry with Jesus thatMaggie ran away, and Jesus was kicked out of the house and forced to live in the Clubhouseuntil he could aford a new house (the unfairness of this can be easily seen because the house was paid for withJesus' child support from God)

Jesus never could afford a house of his own, but did enjoy the company of the four or five people that wereconstantly at the Clubhouse. And this kind of sets the stage for a whole new series of problems.

(You get to see the problems in the next chapter!)


	4. Yet another chapter Enjoy or don't

DISCLAIMERIf you are reading this I hope that you have read the previous three (right, three?) chapters and I don't need to explain how not to take offense from this story and how I don't own Jesus and stuff and how this is probably not a true story, and if it is the universe is more messed up than I thought.

* * *

When we last saw Jesus he was living in his bright red clubhouse, shunned by his family for neglecting his baby, and rather depress because all of this had happened to him. 

It had already been about two weeks since he had moved into the clubhouse. The people that were regulars in chapter one are still the regulars in this chapter, except Rick who was currently trying to assinate Jesus, but he wasn't much of an assasin. (Well, he did kill Jesus once, but Jesus came back to life for the last time he would ever be allowed to)

He awoke to Tom's guitar. It's not a terrible way to wake up normally, but in this kind of depression Jesus was really angry and almost beat up Tom.

"Cool it! Jesus Christ, you'd think somewhat just shunned you or something." Tom said jokingly, as henoticed his leader's anger.

"I will, if you stop playing that stupid guitar." Jesus grumbled.

"Fine, always have to have it your way don't we now?"

"Shut up Tom!"

"God's right you do have a temper." Tom said coolly as he opened a window.

"Don't open the window." Jesus whined.

"But it smells bad in here; you've been living in here for two weeks! Go outside and, I don't know, get a hobby or save something or something."

"Why don't you leave Tom!" Jesus yelled.

"Fine, I'll just leave. Not like I was doing anything important like worshipping." Tom mumbled to himself as he took his guitar and left slamming the door behind him.

Jesus went back to sleep. A few hours later he was awoken again by a loud crash of something being dropped and/or broken. It was God, back to visit Jesus.

"Dad, get out of here. I don't want to talk to you." Jesus said moodily trying to go back to sleep.

"_Well I need to talk to you. You are leading a full life, that's good; it will make you strong and wise 'cause I won't have a complete imbecile for a son." _God said as he dug around his pocket and pulled out a yo-yo and (unsuccessfully) tried to play.

"What do you mean a full life?" yelled someone from outside the window, "He's locked himself in a stupid clubhouse for Heaven's sake!"

"Shut up!" Jesus yelled.

"_He's right you know?" God began, "You can't stay in here forever."_

"You wanna bet?" Jesus mumbled.

"_Yes, but Gabe, as my personal assistant, has forbidden me to gamble anymore."_

"A likely story." Jesus said bluntly, "So why are you here?"

"_Oh, right, look, I got my tongue pierced!" _God stopped playing andstuck out his tongue, which did have a small stud in it.

"Whatever." Jesus said looking away. He and his Father got along sometimes, but they really didn't have much in common. God was a partier and Jesus was very serious and disapproved of many of God's acts of, what is considered, teenage acts of rebellion (and I guess at this point in history, "futuristic methods")

"_Don't' you want to hear how they did it? They had me stick out my tongue and-" _

"Shut up! No one wants to hear about you getting a little hole poked into your tongue!" Jesus yelled and then he stormed out of the little house and went for a long walk (or so he thought), this was when he got lost. And he was lost for almost six months; he lived off the land and almost died several different times. Until one day Jesus found God (literally) who was lying in the sun sleeping. Jesus kicked God to make him wake up.

"_What the Hell's your problem!" _God yelled as he sat up for a clear view of the man who kicked him.

"You are and that fact I've been lost for six months!"

"_Well I can't help you've been taking a trip."_

"I haven't been taking a trip, I was lost for six months!"

"_You should have stopped and asked for directions."_

"Asked who? I was miles and miles from civilization for six months!"

"_Five and a half."_

"What?"

"_You've only been gone five and a half months, and if you had just walked about twelve and half paces to your left you would have been at your bright red Clubhouse."_

"Was anyone even looking for me?"

"_Why should anyone look for you? We could see you through the back window"_

Oh," Jesus said feeling very, very foolish.

They walked back to the Clubhouse. There were many people there when Jesus entered. It was strip-poker night at the Clubhouse as well as a big group prayer every once in a while.

"Hey Jesus, You in?" asked Viktor who wasn't wearing any footwear at this point in the game.

"No." Jesus answered as he began to climb towards the suspended chair.

"_Me, me! Pick me!I want to play!" _God said beginning to jump up and down a little.

"Alright!" several people cheered and Jesus fell asleep in the chair.

When Jesus woke up he was glad to see that most of the people had chosen to sleep at home instead of at the Clubhouse. There were a few people there, but that didn't bug Jesus too much. He just left and borrowed an idea from a story he had read and left a trail of bread crumbs from the Clubhouse to a Church (or temple or synagogue, right, Church is a Christian thing? and at the moment the Clubhouse is the only "Church" I guess.) So when he got there the doors were opened because bombs weren't invented yet and so they didn't really need to lock the doors. Jesus sat down (or kneeled I guess) and prayed the way he did before he had met God face to face

Then God materialized in front of Jesus. _"How you doin', kid?"_ Jesus said nothing and continued to pray silently, _"You don't need to pray, I'm right here, you could just talk." _Jesus continued to ignore this, then God decided to talk to Jesus mentally, _"Jesus, when you pray, don't think so loud, I'm right behind you and it's starting to give me a headache how loud I can here you praying. And it's not like I can distract myself with other people's prayers because I stopped listening to them a long time ago, but I can't stop listening to you 'cause I feel guilty about the, what was it? I don't know, twenty-something years I was too stoned to know you very well."_

There was a long pause. Then finally Jesus spoke. "Father, I'm just trying to get away with my own private thoughts and hopes and prayers." He spoke very seriously, almost sadly.

"_Well if you're trying to get away from me," _God said out loud, _"Praying to me is never going to help I mean, like, how can you get away from me if your only escape is to talk to me. It's like trying to run away from your own feet, they're still there no matter how long you run. Unless they fall off, in which case you're screwed anyways."_

"You know what God!" Jesus yelled, "I'm tired of your joking about, even when I'm sad, you never help you don't do anything!"

"_I created the Universe. And I'm, like, infinity years old and I act immature because I'm gunna live like a wicked long time and I got a new hair-do. It's green, just like grass!" _

"First of all, infinity isn't a number, it's a concept, secondly, I don't care what you do with your hair, thirdly, just stop being so stupid!" Jesus stalked out of the room.

God thought to himself, _This is oddly familiar, but lat time I think Gabe was here, I knew I should have brought him with me. _

And so began Jesus' year (or two)as a killer "In the name of God" as Jesus said one time just to try and get his Father in trouble.

(To be continued, I hope)


	5. MurderTortureScare

DISCLAIMER: I here by proclaim the following disclaimer unnecessary! Don't be offended, it's a story, ect. ect. Yeah, I don't own God and stuff of the Bible, though maybe someday I'll own publishing rights to it. I don't know. Ect. ect. blah blah blah, please enjoy.

* * *

When you last saw Jesus he was leaving a place of worship and was angry with God, but unlike before he didn't go to a beach he went for a walk (still leaving a trail of breadcrumbs of course)

Then all of the sudden Jesus decided that he just hated everyone who sinned (excluding himself, I think) and wished them all dead. Since God hadn't been inebriated enough in many, many, many years to do anything apocalyptic, like drowned the whole entire Earth and Jesus wasn't near powerful enough to do anything like that, he decided to kill/torture/scare out of their wits, all of the people in the whole wide world, except maybe some of his followers.

So was the beginning of the very first killings/torturing/scaring of all people that didn't follow Jesus' ways (I don't know which ways he was thinking of, but let's just humor him). He gathered some of his most dedicated followers and went out hunting people (much like the K.K.K. except without the stupid hats or cowering behind masks and they didn't burn crosses either, but this is mostly because no one felt like building them)

And so they first killed some sort of puppet that was sitting in a tree for forever unknown reasons. They made fun of Jewish children and poked people all afternoon. Then Jesus went after his follower Damien and killed him by tickling Damien until he laughed so hard the he died.

Jesus was leaving Damien's house just after the killing. God appeared right in front of Jesus and the 25 followers and a few spectators that had been following the "Christians" all afternoon.

_"Jesus, hey man, that's not cool. You're, like, poking people and stuff, one thing, why do you have such bad intentions? Another thing, why are you so bad at carrying out these intentions?" _God said as seriously as he could.

"I kill only for you, Father." Jesus said loudly.

"Yes, Father, we kill in you're name!" yelled some random person, here by known asfollower #17 (or Mike)

_"Two things! One, I'm his dad, not yours. Two, kill in his name, Jesus is just trying to get me in trouble."_

"We kill and torture and scare in the name of Jesus…uhh…Jesus, what is your last name?" yelled one of the followers, here by known asfollower #23 (or Seth)

"It's Christ." Jesus answered impatiently.

"We kill and torture and scare in the name of Jesus Christ!" yelled most of the followers (person #17 did not yell because he was looking at a beetle)

_"Hey Jesus, I'm sorry about that whole"it's your fault" thing, but it is your fault, and I can't get blamed for this, I've got enough shitto deal with."_ God said as he dematerialized to wherever he thought would be a nice place to materialize in.

Jesus ignored God, but decided that he wasn't going to kill anymore; this was because it's bad enough to have people killing for you without killing people yourself, since the followers would listen to him no matter what, Jesus decided they would do all of the work and Jesus would point and laugh at other's misfortunes because Jesus is the first "Christian-who-will-watch-people-get-killed-and-even-though-he-didn't-kill-anyone-it's-still-his-fault".

About a few weeks later Jesus was watching a women be made to sneeze uncontrollably (because Jesus, yes him not God, had decided women were sinners for just being alive, and Jesus still wondered why he couldn't get laid, but he made himself not care because he decided it was sin anyways) and God materialized in front of him. Then dematerialized. Then materialized. Then dematerialized. Then materialized. Then dematerialized. Then materialized.

"Could you stop that!" Jesus yelled.

_"Sorry, but I've just discovered how much fun this really is." _God said nodding his head a little.

"You idiotic bastard, will you please leave!" Jesus said to God

_"Hey, I thought you were the bastard in this story." _said God as he dematerialized, he then materialized right next to Jesus, who had been sitting in a chair this whole time even though I didn't tell you that he was.

"Are you high?"

_"Hhhmmm….possibly. You know, I can't remember."_

"So why are you here?" said Jesus as the sneezing woman was escorted from the building and later executed for sneezing too close to God. (I haven't a clue why they would punish her for that, but they did anyways)

_"Oh, right, remember that tongue piercing?"_

"No, I don't want one I told you already!"

_"No, it's not that. I think it might be infected and it hurts terribly and I need to send a letter. Would you lick the stamp and envelope, please?" _said God as he reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope and stamp.

"Fine, will you go away afterwards?"

_"That depends, whatcha' gunna do when I leave?"_

"I don't know. Sleep or try to get people to convert to worship me or something."

_"Why do you want people to worship you?"_

"I don't know. I lead a shunned life and the only member of my family that will talk with me is my least favorite family member." Jesus answered

"_Oh, who is this family member? Is it me? Oh, can it be me? Pick me! But that still doesn't answer my question."_

"Since everyone needs a purpose I decided mine will be to rule over an entire world, in which all of the inhabitants worship me." Jesus answered; he tried very hard to sound very important, but had a bit of a sore throat and didn't quite pull it off. He then licked the stamp and envelope and placed the stamp on the envelope and handed it back to God.

_"Good luck with that. But you should know that you are to be assassinated by a group of Pagans three years from this Tuesday. Oops, I think Gabe said not to tell you that. Oh well, enjoy your next three years and four days of life."_ God then dematerialized. Then materialized in the same place. "_It's just so fun!" _he said, then dematerialized probably to the nearest mail box to mail his letter.

"I hate that guy." said Jesus as he got up and left the building to go "preach" starting with his cousin John, who had been lost for a very long time and from this, I am led to believe that a bad sense of direction runs in his family.

He wandered for seven days and a probably two nights, but the other five at nights he went to sleep. Then he found John, walking in circles around a tree tracking his own footprints.

"John, you are a retard!" Jesus said from the opposite side of the tree that John was at.

"Jesus! Jesus, is that you? I must be getting close to home; it feels like I've been on this road for ages!" John hollered back.

"Well, you're even more lost than you think because you've been circling this tree for quite a long time." Jesus said as he walked around the tree to where John was.

"I was beginning to think this piece of wall looked familiar."

"Listen, I need you to convert to my religion so that we can baptize everyone, if you don't I'll make sure you go to Hell." Said Jesus rather monotone (or monotonly if you want to start making up words)

"Hell, is it nice there?" John asked

"No because it's just a big fiery pit."

"Oh, well how do I baptize myself?"

"You're the Baptist, you figure it out." Jesus said in a nasty tone, the kind of tone that makes you think that you don't like this person because they are mean.

John then proceeded to shoot himself in the head with a water pistol. "You know what we should tell everyone!" John said after baptizing himself.

"What?"

"That they'll go to Hell if we don't baptize them, that way we can shoot people with water!"

"Good idea. And we can even make it looked like they wet themselves!"

And so it was. They kept shooting people with water and scaring them to make them convert, then killing them anyways. God didn't like this, but whenever he was going to do some thing he got distracted and forgot what he was going to do.

Them came the day, three years from this Tuesday (as God had said), when Jesus was killed by some really fucking angry Pagans, but traditions of Christianity still held (except during the middle ages when no one could really afford water guns, this was when the idea of putting water on the forehead was thought of)

And so comes the slightly more interesting subject of **Jesus: After Death.**


	6. Jesus: After Death

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the Bible, as I'm sure you may have guessed (or read in previous disclaimers) Yeah, don't take offense from this, it's just a story, a rather stupid story, but a story nevertheless.

* * *

Jesus had just been killed by a group of very, very, angry Pagans, who were angry at Jesus and decided to kill him. So because of this "killing" thing Jesus died. Again, yes for the third, no fourth, time in his life, and that's a record. So Jesus, again, finds himself floating in the crossroads between Heaven and Hell, then suddenly a giant rusty anchor is attached to his ankle, he then hears the voice of God yell down to him, _"Jesus, you're going to Hell 'cause you did some mean shit to people on Earth so Hell's where you're going! Come visit me whenever you want!" _

Jesus wanted to go to Heaven, he thought of Hell like you see in the pictures. Horrid. Actually, in the pictures you only see the broiler room, which you have to work near once or twice a month to earn your keep. Other than that it's quite nice. Jesus didn't know this and tried (and he did pretty well considering the giant rusty anchor that was on his ankle) Then out of nowhere a giant blue whale was on a chain that was connected to the giant rusty anchor, which was on a chain, which was attached to Jesus' foot. And Jesus fell into Hell.

Jesus was knocked out by the fall having hit his head on the giant rusty anchor, and woke up several hours later in an administrative building. It was a bit like God's, but instead of just one desk there was about ten and there were far less people walking around (Well, none really).

"Hello." Said a voice right in Jesus' ear, but the speaker had also snuck up behind Jesus and upon the voices speaking into Jesus' ear, he jumped and screamed like a little girl. "Gosh, I'm really not that scary." The voice said. Jesus turned around to see the asshole that had snuck-up on him. There was a man there, he wasn't wearing any shoes, and had black hair and wore outlandish clothes, almost like God wore except Jesus saw something in them that didn't say "I think I'm a rebel, even though I don't really have anyone to rebel against" like God's clothes did.

"Who're you?" Jesus asked, "Spawn of Satan? A demon whom I am bent on destroying?"

"Not any Demon, I'm the Demon. I guess I could be called Satan, some guy that got here yesterday called me a sphinx." The man answered, "That was kind of weird,do I look like a sphinx to you?"

"I'll kill you." Jesus said coldly.

"Good luck with that, but you do know I'm pretty powerful."

"Not as powerful as the will of God."

"Not quite, but I'm pretty close. Now come, you've got some paper work to fill out." the Devil led Jesus to a desk and handed him a pen and a few papers.

Jesus sat down and quietly filled out the paperwork. When he was done he handed it to the demon who was meditating. "Thank you for filling out the forms Jesus. You shall know me as Uncle Sam from now on."

"Why?" Jesus asked.

"Because I'm kind of your uncle and I've always been rather fond of the name Tom."

"Sam, how can I-"

"Uncle Sam."

"Whatever, how do I get out of here?"

"I'm not completely sure. I got down here by magic escalater somewhere around the beggining of time. I haven't even thought of leaving."

"Well, I'm going to. I don't want to be in the midst of sinners."

"You are a sinner."

"So," Jesus said looking at the ceiling to see if he could go the way he came.

"Just pointing it out." Uncle Sam replied also looking at the cieling, "What are you looking at anyways?"

Jesus ignored "Uncle Sam" and continued to try and find an escape route.

Suddenly Uncle Sam took hold of Jesus' arm and pulled him out of the administrative building.

(Yeah I know, not much of a chapter, but I need to get this up and start the next one because this has been sitting in my documents for weeks, I'm just better off posting it.)


End file.
